I rarely do the work of yoga now that my life is getting back to normal. I am questioning everything. I'm less present. I'm soft when I should be strong and overpowering when I should liquify. When I do "get the opportunity" to do yoga, I am easily distracted, as I was in the beginning. One year ago, I could take a yoga practice in a fully packed class and never once lift my gaze to another soul's mat, rarely break bandhas or ujjayi. But now, I mourn that loss. And yesterday, I decided that I've been making excuses. If yoga is what I need to get sane, then it should be first priority in my life, right? No excuses.
I am present at six am on a Saturday ready to roll the mat out.
When I was pregnant I unfriended nearly everyone on my facebook page that was a yoga teacher or who frequently posted about yoga. It was a relief, I realized. It relieved the yoga pressure. You see, lately I've been feeling a funny unsettling way about yoga.
Say you stumbled across a gorgeous, scenic cliff overlooking a glorious river with a perfect balance of shade and sunlight. It was a long agonizing time getting to this particular spot - you got banged up making it to that place...but oh! it was serene, you could think there, you could NOT think there. Perhaps you found your lost little overstimulated self up there: quiet, expansive, tiny. One morning, you came across a couple here in your very spot. How nice that other people enjoy this glorious view, you nod and feel a strong union with humanity. Perhaps a few days passed, weeks, months and soon, it's become so crowded with fellow shelter seekers and oh yes, they've brought their iPhones, iPads, expensive hiking gear, they're texting and talking waaaay too loud.
This is how I've been feeling about yoga. Yeah, I know that non-attachment means that one should be cleverly unattached the the masses toting showy yoga mats and designer yoga "outfits" and rockstar yoga teacher mentality. It means I should be unattached to the place that heals me and take with me instead that which heals me. It has seemed to me for a long time, people are clutching at yoga poses, yoga property, and the desire to have a "yoga butt". And how dare I begrudge them for it? Because even though we all come to the practice for our own reasons, ultimately the path stands. The path is so good that yes, it has every right to be crowded.